"you're so whipped,"
"no I'm not I just love her,"
the cutest thing he's ever said.

Castles in the sky.

rest in peace.

I love this quote, I don't know who it's by, but it's funny to think about the answers.

"If I died tonight, how many people would care? How many people would know? How many people would moan and wish they had me back? How many people would regret being arseholes? How many people would wish they loved me? How many people would wish they loved me less?"

I often find myself asking these questions. I imagine what people might do when they found out. I do want to know sometimes, obviously I never will. If there is a heaven though, I'd like to be able to look down and see how people are reacting. Then I could see who geniunely cared and who doesn't give a toss. I think reading the Lovely Bones has spurred on this thought process. Charming isn't it?

I miss everything, and now my mum really has 'twisted the knife' as Tilly would say, and told me I'm not allowed to go to Reading. This is a true 'fuck my life' moment.
Haven't posted in a while, but I decided this was something that needed to be told. Life's a bitch.

I've always wondered what it'd feel like if I lost that. I'll tell you, like your heart has been stamped on a couple of times. It's all self-inflicted because I'm a shit best friend. It's down to nobody else. It's all my own stupid fault. Now I've fucked everything up. I would try and sort it out but I think it's too late and of course I'm worrying. I don't have another friend that is in your position. I know you're sick of being there for me, for me only to let you down. I don't think you see that you're the most important person to me in my life.
I don't know what to say, I'm lost for words.

I get worried recently that because I don't come out I'm going to drift from everyone. It's only just hit me properly and when I'm all alone and not preoccupied those sort of thoughts take over and it makes me anxious. I'm missing a lot at the moment and don't make enough effort to hold up the close friendships I have with people so I constantly feel like I'm drifting. I see the personal jokes and funny conversations everyone is having but I'm not as much involved as I used to be. I'll stop moping about it now and do something.
I'm going to start making a much bigger effort with all of my friends and not let friendships lag, because that is when a friendship ends. I hope everyone looks forward to me talking to them more ;)

i hate people.

Tilly and me have a favourite phrase.
"I hate people"
looking around lately, it's so true. I hate people.
Contradicting this however, there is an awfully big amount of people that I love to pieces.

and the ducklings followed.

"Do you remember the old roller city days?"
"No I don't my memory is shit."
Something that was such a huge part of my childhood, lost to the other person. He was my boy best friend at that time. The most care-free point in our lives at seven years old. We got along so well because I was such a tomboy. Mud, worms and mess interested me whereas all the other girls wanted to sit indoors watching Cinderella (just like to add that I was not deprived of the Disney classics) him and me were running around his garden being chased by his baby ducks.
"They follow me because they think I'm their mummy," he used to tell me. A fact that totally fascinated me and I wished that maybe one day I'd be adoptive mother to a small team of ducklings. I remember Sid the dog, he was the most ancient dog I had ever seen. Blind as a bat and totally deaf but he loved Sid more than anything else in the world. Him and his family found little Sid at the side of the road and decided to take him in. He'd had Sid for most of his life.
Our favourite song was Just a Little Bit by Liberty X, but not because of the actual song. In the first line was the word 'sexy'. This was the rudest word ever to us. We would never actually say it but when it came on the radio we would take one look at each other and be in fits of giggles for minutes. Reminiscing on these little childlike mannerisms has put pangs of longing in my stomach. Longing to go back to my care-free childhood, longing for messing around without anything to worry about. Never mind, right now is the best point in our lives and I'm definitely going to make the most of it, like I did back then.

Might sound absolutely ridiculous but I'd love to fly a harrier. It does mean me joining the RAF for 12 years and I could get killed in air-to-air combat. There is also height restrictions on flying certain aircraft. It'd be such an amazing career to tell people about though. It really appeals to me, I told somebody about this once and their only answer was "Elz I could never imagine you doing that!" Maybe I could prove everyone wrong? I never tell anybody about this career idea because I get embarrassed. Never mind, I'm not going to let my own embarrassment prevent me from carrying out something I want to do. Either this or I become a boring phycologist, although that could be exciting too.

unacceptability.

What behavior should be seen as unacceptable? Now I am older, absolutely nothing can surprise me. I've surrounded myself with damaged souls and illegitimacy. Gone were the days when 13 year old girls having sex was completely unseen. Drugs are a social norm to me, people who are close to me have cocaine history, a joint is practically a normal fag and some of my friends see no limits when it comes to experimentation.
Don't even get me started on drinking habits, our livers will be on their last legs by the time we're twenty. 2009 saw the pinnacle of these bad habits but I think people are starting to come out the other side of this dark tunnel.
Thankfully, the most drug-addled of people are quitting and for now things are relatively calm. Summer 2010 is on the way though and I know for a fact that we are not going to hold back with the partying. I'm not moaning about our lifestyle but sometimes people spiral out of control. I'm not going to lie though, I love the craziness.

Break stuff.

I've wound myself up into one of my destructive angry moods again. I just wanna grab anything within sight and smash it into tiny unfixable pieces, or scream. It's not a particular thing that's brought this on, it's everthing and everyone and I know it's just because I'm in this place. Anything can make me angry here. I try and tell myself to "calm the fuck down" but it doesn't work. I still think about all the little things that have driven me into this and can't break out. I'll carry on though, it'll be over in half an hour. I'm just glad that no one gets to see this, it's all kept inside.